I'm strong. I don't need you, or anyone else. I'm perfectly fine with being left out. There's no one who'd want me, so I don't want someone for myself. I'm okay with being alone, I'm stronger than I look. Vulnerable, maybe, but strong enough to take care of myself.

I never said I want you. I never said I need you. But I can't help but feel so completely left alone.

Maybe I'm not as strong as I hoped I'd be.


Es wäre alles besser, wenn ich mich nicht so... einsam fühlen würde.

I get more and more the feeling that everything else is way more important than anything that has to do with me. Seems like I'm only good for listening to other people's problems. My own problems... Who cares about them? I think that no one does even if they tell me otherwise.


It's all a lie, sorry if I no longer believe you.

Someone, please shoot me.

As some already know, my computer is fucked up. She (yes, my laptop is a girl because of her damn moodswings.) caught an aggressive virus and I don't know how long it will take to get everything fixed. I hope so much that I won't lose anything important like my music, the doujinshis or the worst case - my fanfictions. In case I'll lose them, I know I'll cry like a baby. I don't know what to do now. Without being able to go online, chat with the ones I like/love and do stupid things, my days will be so empty... And here I thought things are finally changing for the positive. Guess I was wrong. It's always like this. But no, I'll rant another time, not now. My time right now is limited as I'm sitting at my mother's totally slow computer and I'm so afraid that I'll fuck the thing up, too. It's awful. Before, I started panicking and had some real trouble calming down again. And I don't want a repeat, really.

Anyway, wish me luck that my laptop gets fixed very soon and that I won't lose too much of my files or my whole hard drive. I'm really sorry to my dear rp people, I wanted to come back after my appointment on Thursdays, but it seems that it'll take some time more. I'm truly sorry, I wished it didn't happen today. I miss you guys and I promise to be back as soon as my laptop is working again!

Well... yeah, seems like my laptop caught the flu or rather some corrupted files. I had a virus notification last night and three more today, it makes me worry. A virus or a trojan is the last thing I need, really. It's one of the highest rated things on my DO-NOT-WANT-List |||:

Wish me luck that my anti-virus scanner keeps doing a good job because I need my computer. >__<

/sulks in emo-corner.

P.S.: If you don't hear from me in the next few days, you know what that means. D| -crosses fingers-

The new year started, I made some what I want to do this year, but I don't think that I'll be able to do what I want. Ah, whatever. My mood's already bad enough, I don't wanna get all depressed. My gingivitis is annoying enough, I don't wanna go to the dentist tomorrow, nooo. ;____; -panics-

Ehm... I took the Colorgenics test again. Hell, this thing is so creepy...
( Stop being so creepy, colorgenics D: )

Definitely not for Porn, orz. Or at least, not completely.

Hell yeah, my week was pure horror.
Not only am I still without glasses - thanks to Fielmann, my optician - I still have nothing to do. Originally, it was planned that I would go to the fricking appointment yesterday, but... Nu-uh.
The good ol' hag is sick and the whole meeting got cancelled. It's so annoying. T_T
As soon as I think things are going a little better, something happens. I'm kinda fucked up now because my mother is getting annoyed with me staying @ home and I'm bothered by my headaches. God, I really hope that I get my repaired glasses back as fast as possible....

Totally Random: I'm hungry. ;A;

Dunno, maybe I'll write a bigger entry after I got my glasses back. <3

Ahahaha.
Even with my time out, I still manage to get into a fight.
What the hell did I do to deserve this?! <___<
God, I'm pissed again. Just when I thought that things are going better - ahaha, awesome joke. -__-

Whatever. It wouldn't be the first friendship I break off. And she really is getting on my nerves right now, grah. <_<

My ticket for the Convention is still not here. ;__;
Even if it is in the mail box tomorrow, it's too late for selling it, fuck. Lady Luck really seems to hate me. <_<

/goes to make some frustration food, probably pasta, orz.

...or better paranoid, orz.

Argh, it's terrible to go outside alone. I always think something or someone is watching and following me. ><
And as soon as I see people fighting, I panic because I'm afraid and argh... I'm frustrated.
Ever since Friday I feel so... bleh. I'm sore all over, I feel muscles where I thought I had no and my nose is getting me aggressive all the time! Hell, I can't even wear my glasses without hurting myself, what the hell?!
And my fingers are annoying... I'm SO fucking useless right now. I'm only glad that I can still type. Very slowly compared to other days but it's possible. Otherwise I would be lost. Totally. I need help with everything, even with putting clothes on because of buttons are a no-go. >__<

And to make things worse, I'm unable to work. Because which boss would take someone in who's already injured, right? Bah, I hope everything will heal well in the next week. Gnah, I'm ranting again...

Something positive. I need something positive to write down...
I found Latvian money! It has some similarities with my beloved Deutsche Mark, orz. Now, I'm wondering how the currency is pronounced because I fail at speaking the stuff that's written on the coins.

Anything else... Nah, nothing. Oh, right. I hate my broken fingers because I can't sew~. Now, I'm going to need my mother to sew the Cosplay for me >___<
That's so... embarrassing. Isn't it already enough that I need her help with everything else?!
Ah, whatever. As long as I can finish it. >__< That's all that matters right now! *nods*

And now, I'm going to bed! >__<
Because it's like six in the morning, my nose starts hurting (because I'm wearing my glasses right now) and my fingers are... numb. o_O
Yosh, time for bed!

Wow, bereits der zweite Eintrag innerhalb von... zwei Tagen, orz. /fail

( And the thermometer says: 39°C )

And... I'm off to rest again... D:

Ahahahahaha, I had my doctor's appointment today. It was so made of complet fail, it's hard to believe. And I'm still feeling like shit~.
My doctor suspects pneumonia because of my hard breathing and the slight fever I have for... nearly over a week. It never goes under 36,9°C and never over 37,5°C. It really is strange because I don't feel hot. It's more... that I'm always cold and shivering and stuff. x_X
It's no longer nice. In addition, my mother is all the more worried. I'm not eating much (normally, I'm a real glutton), I'm losing weight and bah. Oh well, the doctor took a blood sample from me...
Now, I have to wait for Thursday where I have the next appointment. Hopefully, I'll finally get a diagnosis. It's getting annoying, orz.

And I feel so bad that I'm so rare at the moment. ;___; I'm missing all the great stuff in Plurk and argh...
Thus makes the whole bullshit with my "sickness" only worse. At least I could write this entry without any trouble, but my mum's getting impatient. *sighs* She wants me to lay down and rest - means, no internet for today, nu uh. <.<
Bwah, I need to ninja my way to the laptop as soon as she's asleep tonight. Yes, I have to do this U_U
It's the least I can do to let aledrina know, just in case that it is a pneumonia and I can't be online that much in the next time. ;__; *cries in a corner*

The only good thing today - I bought Kumajiro today! : D
The teddy bear is soooo cute, it's soft, squishy and awww. I love it. Now, I only need to get the rest D:
But I won't give up, I'll get everything sooner or later, ehehehe.

And now~, I have to rest. D:
My mum keeps bothering me and argh, I only hope I'll manage it later to get back online, orz.